Increasing my Daily Dose of Bob Costas

Comerades -

With the Winter Olympics are now upon us, all eyes move to Vancouver as the world (or at least the first world countries with enough money and time to invest in this sort of thing) looks to indulge their 3-week tolerance of winter sports. While Vancouver was recently voted the nicest city in the world (what's the criteria for that..?), we here at Dodgy as Feck aren't particularly fond of the city and it's inhabitants (blame Southside Whitecaps fans and removal from the downtown club scene on a shady evening).

As proponents of the Games for this short span, we here at Dodgy as Feck would like to break down the spofts seen over the next few weeks in order to encourage dialogue on the events, so without breaking stride...


Alpine Skiing
Starting with snow based sports, this is the fancy name for the recreational skiing you do on weekends down the mountain. Broken up into 5 groups - downhill, alpine, slalom, giant slalom, and super giant slalom (I can't make that up). Basically use the big hill and smooth snow to get down in the shortest amount of time - sometimes while dodging obstacles. By far the most basic of events.

Cross-country Skiing
Same as alpine skiing, but they couldn't break it into 5 events because they didn't have enough superlatives. They have an event called the pursuit, which sounds intriguing until you realize that the athletes just have to ski using different forms (equivalent to swimmings individual medley event). Unfortunately, the competitors rarely battle any grade along the course, forcing them to actually work through the competition.

Biathalon
Cross-country skiing - with a gun. Taken most seriously by the Norwegians, always title contenders here. If you choose to watch a long event, we at least recommend this one as competitors get fiery (literally) around the shooting range portions of this event.

Ski Jumping
A cheaper version of downhill skiing - scrap the poles, and we'll give you a ramp...with a lip that will make you fly off! Now that we've made you a spectacle that can fly over our audience for 80 meters (holy shit..), keep your skis pointed up (we'd hate for you to fall from such a height..) and and brace yourself for a momentus drop and landing (on an angles surface nonetheless...and we're grading you're landing, ala gymnastics!). A personal favorite.

Nordic Combined
It's listed as a combination of cross-country skiing and ski jumping - I say that because I can't recall NBC (or CNBC, or MSNBC...) ever showing it. Maybe it would be better if they included the shooting range...

Freestyle Skiing
When the X-Games became more prominent, these athletes were some of the first to attempt to legitimize their event by pushing it into the Olympics. Whether skiing through intentionally hilly terrain, or utilizing halfpipe ramps to do twists and somersaults, the younger viewers tend to gravitate to these events more often.

Snowboarding
Events varies from halfpipe competitions to downhill races. While the skiiers are racing for time, the snowboarders actually race each other, which factors in the possibility of collisions. Also a favorite with the kids.

Bobsled
Now fully into the field of ice sports - but we will still give you the hill! The fancy name for what you do when you're too lazy to ski - hop on a large object and just try to slide that big hill as fast as you can. Fortunately for viewers, engineers have put together gnarly courses (plenty of steep, narrow, confined goodness) for these riders to get at. Separated into 2-man and 4-man events, The Puck has pointed out that the front man steers and the back man brakes....so if I've done the math correctly, the two middle guys in the 4-man event basically have won the lottery to hang on and see if the others can win them a gold medal, right?

Luge
None of this sissy tank of a bobsled for this group - they head down the course on a tiny sled like you grew up with at home, but they go at 100mph. If you watch NASCAR races just to watch crashes, this is the event for you. Highly recommended watching by us here at Dodgy as Feck.

Skeleton
Alright, now take your luge heading down the mountain at 100mph....head first. Even the females in this event have more balls than I do. Also highly recommended.

Speed Skating
For those not comfortable with being on the icy hill, officials flattened the surface for competitors...but made them stand up and use skates that would rival massive ice picks. Competing for time again, athletes are given one competitor to push them, and they even have to switch lanes on alternating laps (still waiting for the first collision in this portion). A favorite of American broadcasting, many domestic heroes have been made in these events.

Short Track Speed Skating
Here's a thought - make the track smaller, angles tighter, and put more people on the course. A comparison to a WWE melee would be harsh, so I prefer to make it analagous to roller derby on ice - while the race is nice to win on pure speed, position is critical. While competitors battle for this, dust ups often occur that significantly alter final results. Recommended to our viewers.

Ice Hockey
By far the most prominent sport in Canada, which should provide the most significant storyline of the games - basically, expect death for the men's side if they don't win gold on home ice. If the US wins, expect the reaction from fans not to be that we won, but we simply took something from Canada...again. Although the event is something to look forward to, nothing says sexist like not allowing the women to check or fight....but oh well.

Figure Skating
A favorite of the female demographic, and therefore one of the most publicized and highest drawing events (they do still make up half the population you know...), this can be a individual or couples event. Not much else to say, other than I don't know the scoring system anymore since it got changed after the 2002 Winter Olympics debacle. (I watched with my mom, and we knew the judges rigged things....no shame in that!)

Curling
The equivalent of bocce ball on ice - closest stone to the center of the target wins, with each additional stone closer than an opponent earning extra points. Despite it being a slower sport in terms of pace of a match, the Canadians in these events have the second highest potential of getting some ass if they win the gold (behind hockey players....and even then, they probably get sympathy ass from dumb American chicks, but I digress....). Another recommended event.


In related news, the Russians bought out Canadian broadcasting from 8am-5pm on one major network to appeal to it's Russian demographic (who knew?) They attempted the same in the US, but Bob Costas refuted them in a Chuck Norris-like manner (he is NBC's equivalent, you know).

While the opening won't likely match Bejing last time around, enjoy the events all the same....especially the african qualifiers trying desperately to compete at a moderately equal level to other competitors (not racist, just geographically logical)


The Dodgy Keeper