Some Clint Dempsey Goal Porn

I hope this guy gets well soon cause he's got some skills. A couple fun facts about him:

• His full name is Clinton.
• His wife is very, very attractive.
• In 04' he played a couple games with a broken jaw.
• He broke John Terry's cheekbone... well done.
  

My Pre Olympics Post

So in preparation for the opening ceremonies, I provide a couple links to help you enjoy the winter Olympics a little more. Also, be sure to check out The Dodgy Keepers post below.

• Here is pretty cool page with a couple interactive video's looking a little closer at a couple events. The downhill sking video is really cool. Also, i challenge you to watch the doubles luge video and not make a gay joke (especially around the 50 second mark).
• Slate.com has a couple pretty cool features on the games, including a day by day guide on what you should watch. Also, an economist made a projection on who would win more medals.
• Here's a guide to the different venues and where everything is happening.
• For those of you with gambling problems and the Olympic spirit here is a Olympic Pick'em courtesy of ESPN.com (just kidding, its free).
• ESPN also has probably the best fan guide I've found so far, cause I know you'll lose sleep over the lack of information on Hannu Manninen.
• Lindsey Vonn is a very attractive female.
• I'd never heard of Clair Bidez prior to finding her on the SI Swimsuit website, safe to say I will be cheering for her (and google image searching her).
• If you type "Sidney Crosby is a..." into Google, the suggestions you get are: baby, crybaby and douche.

Enjoy the Olympic spirit and more Canadians then a minor league hockey game.

Well done Vitamin Water

While I've never been a fan of his college or either of the two NBA teams he's played for. I can't help but love Steve Nash.

Increasing my Daily Dose of Bob Costas

Comerades -

With the Winter Olympics are now upon us, all eyes move to Vancouver as the world (or at least the first world countries with enough money and time to invest in this sort of thing) looks to indulge their 3-week tolerance of winter sports. While Vancouver was recently voted the nicest city in the world (what's the criteria for that..?), we here at Dodgy as Feck aren't particularly fond of the city and it's inhabitants (blame Southside Whitecaps fans and removal from the downtown club scene on a shady evening).

As proponents of the Games for this short span, we here at Dodgy as Feck would like to break down the spofts seen over the next few weeks in order to encourage dialogue on the events, so without breaking stride...


Alpine Skiing
Starting with snow based sports, this is the fancy name for the recreational skiing you do on weekends down the mountain. Broken up into 5 groups - downhill, alpine, slalom, giant slalom, and super giant slalom (I can't make that up). Basically use the big hill and smooth snow to get down in the shortest amount of time - sometimes while dodging obstacles. By far the most basic of events.

Cross-country Skiing
Same as alpine skiing, but they couldn't break it into 5 events because they didn't have enough superlatives. They have an event called the pursuit, which sounds intriguing until you realize that the athletes just have to ski using different forms (equivalent to swimmings individual medley event). Unfortunately, the competitors rarely battle any grade along the course, forcing them to actually work through the competition.

Biathalon
Cross-country skiing - with a gun. Taken most seriously by the Norwegians, always title contenders here. If you choose to watch a long event, we at least recommend this one as competitors get fiery (literally) around the shooting range portions of this event.

Ski Jumping
A cheaper version of downhill skiing - scrap the poles, and we'll give you a ramp...with a lip that will make you fly off! Now that we've made you a spectacle that can fly over our audience for 80 meters (holy shit..), keep your skis pointed up (we'd hate for you to fall from such a height..) and and brace yourself for a momentus drop and landing (on an angles surface nonetheless...and we're grading you're landing, ala gymnastics!). A personal favorite.

Nordic Combined
It's listed as a combination of cross-country skiing and ski jumping - I say that because I can't recall NBC (or CNBC, or MSNBC...) ever showing it. Maybe it would be better if they included the shooting range...

Freestyle Skiing
When the X-Games became more prominent, these athletes were some of the first to attempt to legitimize their event by pushing it into the Olympics. Whether skiing through intentionally hilly terrain, or utilizing halfpipe ramps to do twists and somersaults, the younger viewers tend to gravitate to these events more often.

Snowboarding
Events varies from halfpipe competitions to downhill races. While the skiiers are racing for time, the snowboarders actually race each other, which factors in the possibility of collisions. Also a favorite with the kids.

Bobsled
Now fully into the field of ice sports - but we will still give you the hill! The fancy name for what you do when you're too lazy to ski - hop on a large object and just try to slide that big hill as fast as you can. Fortunately for viewers, engineers have put together gnarly courses (plenty of steep, narrow, confined goodness) for these riders to get at. Separated into 2-man and 4-man events, The Puck has pointed out that the front man steers and the back man brakes....so if I've done the math correctly, the two middle guys in the 4-man event basically have won the lottery to hang on and see if the others can win them a gold medal, right?

Luge
None of this sissy tank of a bobsled for this group - they head down the course on a tiny sled like you grew up with at home, but they go at 100mph. If you watch NASCAR races just to watch crashes, this is the event for you. Highly recommended watching by us here at Dodgy as Feck.

Skeleton
Alright, now take your luge heading down the mountain at 100mph....head first. Even the females in this event have more balls than I do. Also highly recommended.

Speed Skating
For those not comfortable with being on the icy hill, officials flattened the surface for competitors...but made them stand up and use skates that would rival massive ice picks. Competing for time again, athletes are given one competitor to push them, and they even have to switch lanes on alternating laps (still waiting for the first collision in this portion). A favorite of American broadcasting, many domestic heroes have been made in these events.

Short Track Speed Skating
Here's a thought - make the track smaller, angles tighter, and put more people on the course. A comparison to a WWE melee would be harsh, so I prefer to make it analagous to roller derby on ice - while the race is nice to win on pure speed, position is critical. While competitors battle for this, dust ups often occur that significantly alter final results. Recommended to our viewers.

Ice Hockey
By far the most prominent sport in Canada, which should provide the most significant storyline of the games - basically, expect death for the men's side if they don't win gold on home ice. If the US wins, expect the reaction from fans not to be that we won, but we simply took something from Canada...again. Although the event is something to look forward to, nothing says sexist like not allowing the women to check or fight....but oh well.

Figure Skating
A favorite of the female demographic, and therefore one of the most publicized and highest drawing events (they do still make up half the population you know...), this can be a individual or couples event. Not much else to say, other than I don't know the scoring system anymore since it got changed after the 2002 Winter Olympics debacle. (I watched with my mom, and we knew the judges rigged things....no shame in that!)

Curling
The equivalent of bocce ball on ice - closest stone to the center of the target wins, with each additional stone closer than an opponent earning extra points. Despite it being a slower sport in terms of pace of a match, the Canadians in these events have the second highest potential of getting some ass if they win the gold (behind hockey players....and even then, they probably get sympathy ass from dumb American chicks, but I digress....). Another recommended event.


In related news, the Russians bought out Canadian broadcasting from 8am-5pm on one major network to appeal to it's Russian demographic (who knew?) They attempted the same in the US, but Bob Costas refuted them in a Chuck Norris-like manner (he is NBC's equivalent, you know).

While the opening won't likely match Bejing last time around, enjoy the events all the same....especially the african qualifiers trying desperately to compete at a moderately equal level to other competitors (not racist, just geographically logical)


The Dodgy Keeper

Get to know your MLS Supporter Groups Edition 1

So I've noticed that some MLS supporters groups are super well know, some are pretty unknown. So in an effort to educate the world. I have gone on a mission to produce a comprehensive guide to the Supporters Groups.
Philidelphia Union
While Union has yet to play an actual game but it does have a supporters group. They've actually had a supporters group for about three years. Their main group goes by the name of "The Son's of Ben"(apparently New England is doesn't have a monopoly on Revolutionary War imagery, I expect ultras to battle while wearing tri corner hats). This is referring to the prominent Philadelphia resident Benjamin Franklin (not sure what Ben Franklin's views were on soccer but I'm not sure he would have like a sport invented in England). Now lets have a little history nerd break. New York Red Bull supporters have had a lot of fun pointing out that the son of Ben Franklin was a Tory (a colonist during the revolutionary war that stayed loyal to the British). This is true, Franklin's illegitimate son, William, did stay loyal to the British. He actually was the last Royal Governor of New Jersey. New York Red Bull Supporters are forgetting that New York was the most Tory city in the colonies. Sorry, I'll take off the History nerd hat. They commonly refer to themselves as SOB's. The Sons of Ben's claim they have a membership of 5,200. Although its pretty tough to verify this number since they haven't had a game yet. I actually doubt they have anywhere near that many members. That being said, from what I can gather about them over the "tubes", they are pretty well supported. My amauter guess would be that they now have a couple hundred die hard supporters (maybe a thousand) and that will increase once they actually play some soccer. They do certainly have some pretty committed fans. A couple dozen sons made an appearance at the MLS cup in 2007, a full 3 years before their first game. They seem to have followed in the Eagles footsteps and have developed an quick hatred of the New York Red Bulls. Their fury seems a bit misguided being that they've never played a game and New York seems to only halfheartedly see them as rivals (after DC United and New England). To me, it seems they think a supporters group isn't a supporters group unless they hate somebody. They've adopted "I'm looking over a four leaf clover" as their song. I couldn't actually figure out why, but that's cool. So here they are in all their glory. Enjoy.

Set your TIVO, you could help Italian ref's.

News outta the Italian soccer federation, this guy will eat your soul if you swear on the pitch. Just kidding! But Italian referee's can now slang out red cards for uttering certain four letter words on the pitch (maybe they aren't four letters in Italian, but you get the idea). Not only can they send them packing if they hear words my mother would hit me over the head for, they can also sit in dark room's and read the lips of the players on video (we coulda used one of those guys during the last World Cup Final)
Here's my problem (besides the fact that i've been know to yell some choice words during games), is this the problem that the Italian Soccer federation should be concentrating on? On a week when one fan group invaded their teams training ground and forced the team to hide in the locker room. Adrian Mutu (the one guy that you'd think would never fail a drug test) failed a drug test and Napoli and Udinese ultra's stage a pitched battle on a street.
So yea, what Italian soccer should be concentrating on is David Beckham plugging this blog.

Highlight of Merseyside Derby

Terrible tackles where flying around this pitch like a pee wee football game in Canada.

A Sex Scandal not involving John Terry

So while watching my DVRed Merseyside Derby I came across this gem of a news story (it is a bit old, but i feel it needs to be brought out to the world). Everybodies favorite cornrowed South African, Steven Pienaar, is being sued by his baby's momma for not marrying her. Apparently Pienaar told this lady about how he was gonna marry her, proceeds to bang her and then leaves her (gasp!!!). Pretty typical story so far, here's where it gets weird, the lady claims that Pienaar hide her birth control and ended the relationship "without cause". She claims that she is experiencing emotional stress from being an unwed mother (all you need is to take beyonce's advice to avoid that situation) and is now entitled to a chunk of Pienaar's change.

I hope this doesn't become common for several reasons. One, James Bond and Wilt Chamberlain would be screwed. Two, if any judge believes a guy would hide his girls birth control, that judge should be required to dress like a women for the rest of his career (my bad... too late). Three, if you now need "cause" to dump somebody, then women will need to prepare for "I just want to be friends" to be replaced by "You're just too ugly and can you sign this acknowledging you're a crazy female". Finally, if being a heartbreaker becomes illegal, then the dodgy keeper should start practicing this dance.

My John Terry post

So, John Terry, you've had a tough week. I'll do my best to find some things to cheer you up and distract you instead of banging your tea mates babies momma's.
- It could be worse, Here are a selection of soccer sex scandals that make your "adventures" sound tame. (unless there is a midget hooker we haven't heard about yet)
- Laughter always makes people feel better, here is a humorous joke:

It’s been announced on Sky Sports News that Capello has phoned Wayne Bridge to let him know that John Terry has lost his captain’s armband.

He has asked Bridge to check under the bed.
(I take no credit for this joke, stole it from somebody that stole it from somebody else).
-Finally, I give you a comic, because who doesn't like comics.