Hello fantasy season

This is for my fantasy NFL team that I'll be dominating with again this year.

Some Clint Dempsey Goal Porn

I hope this guy gets well soon cause he's got some skills. A couple fun facts about him:

• His full name is Clinton.
• His wife is very, very attractive.
• In 04' he played a couple games with a broken jaw.
• He broke John Terry's cheekbone... well done.
  

My Pre Olympics Post

So in preparation for the opening ceremonies, I provide a couple links to help you enjoy the winter Olympics a little more. Also, be sure to check out The Dodgy Keepers post below.

• Here is pretty cool page with a couple interactive video's looking a little closer at a couple events. The downhill sking video is really cool. Also, i challenge you to watch the doubles luge video and not make a gay joke (especially around the 50 second mark).
• Slate.com has a couple pretty cool features on the games, including a day by day guide on what you should watch. Also, an economist made a projection on who would win more medals.
• Here's a guide to the different venues and where everything is happening.
• For those of you with gambling problems and the Olympic spirit here is a Olympic Pick'em courtesy of ESPN.com (just kidding, its free).
• ESPN also has probably the best fan guide I've found so far, cause I know you'll lose sleep over the lack of information on Hannu Manninen.
• Lindsey Vonn is a very attractive female.
• I'd never heard of Clair Bidez prior to finding her on the SI Swimsuit website, safe to say I will be cheering for her (and google image searching her).
• If you type "Sidney Crosby is a..." into Google, the suggestions you get are: baby, crybaby and douche.

Enjoy the Olympic spirit and more Canadians then a minor league hockey game.

Well done Vitamin Water

While I've never been a fan of his college or either of the two NBA teams he's played for. I can't help but love Steve Nash.

Increasing my Daily Dose of Bob Costas

Comerades -

With the Winter Olympics are now upon us, all eyes move to Vancouver as the world (or at least the first world countries with enough money and time to invest in this sort of thing) looks to indulge their 3-week tolerance of winter sports. While Vancouver was recently voted the nicest city in the world (what's the criteria for that..?), we here at Dodgy as Feck aren't particularly fond of the city and it's inhabitants (blame Southside Whitecaps fans and removal from the downtown club scene on a shady evening).

As proponents of the Games for this short span, we here at Dodgy as Feck would like to break down the spofts seen over the next few weeks in order to encourage dialogue on the events, so without breaking stride...


Alpine Skiing
Starting with snow based sports, this is the fancy name for the recreational skiing you do on weekends down the mountain. Broken up into 5 groups - downhill, alpine, slalom, giant slalom, and super giant slalom (I can't make that up). Basically use the big hill and smooth snow to get down in the shortest amount of time - sometimes while dodging obstacles. By far the most basic of events.

Cross-country Skiing
Same as alpine skiing, but they couldn't break it into 5 events because they didn't have enough superlatives. They have an event called the pursuit, which sounds intriguing until you realize that the athletes just have to ski using different forms (equivalent to swimmings individual medley event). Unfortunately, the competitors rarely battle any grade along the course, forcing them to actually work through the competition.

Biathalon
Cross-country skiing - with a gun. Taken most seriously by the Norwegians, always title contenders here. If you choose to watch a long event, we at least recommend this one as competitors get fiery (literally) around the shooting range portions of this event.

Ski Jumping
A cheaper version of downhill skiing - scrap the poles, and we'll give you a ramp...with a lip that will make you fly off! Now that we've made you a spectacle that can fly over our audience for 80 meters (holy shit..), keep your skis pointed up (we'd hate for you to fall from such a height..) and and brace yourself for a momentus drop and landing (on an angles surface nonetheless...and we're grading you're landing, ala gymnastics!). A personal favorite.

Nordic Combined
It's listed as a combination of cross-country skiing and ski jumping - I say that because I can't recall NBC (or CNBC, or MSNBC...) ever showing it. Maybe it would be better if they included the shooting range...

Freestyle Skiing
When the X-Games became more prominent, these athletes were some of the first to attempt to legitimize their event by pushing it into the Olympics. Whether skiing through intentionally hilly terrain, or utilizing halfpipe ramps to do twists and somersaults, the younger viewers tend to gravitate to these events more often.

Snowboarding
Events varies from halfpipe competitions to downhill races. While the skiiers are racing for time, the snowboarders actually race each other, which factors in the possibility of collisions. Also a favorite with the kids.

Bobsled
Now fully into the field of ice sports - but we will still give you the hill! The fancy name for what you do when you're too lazy to ski - hop on a large object and just try to slide that big hill as fast as you can. Fortunately for viewers, engineers have put together gnarly courses (plenty of steep, narrow, confined goodness) for these riders to get at. Separated into 2-man and 4-man events, The Puck has pointed out that the front man steers and the back man brakes....so if I've done the math correctly, the two middle guys in the 4-man event basically have won the lottery to hang on and see if the others can win them a gold medal, right?

Luge
None of this sissy tank of a bobsled for this group - they head down the course on a tiny sled like you grew up with at home, but they go at 100mph. If you watch NASCAR races just to watch crashes, this is the event for you. Highly recommended watching by us here at Dodgy as Feck.

Skeleton
Alright, now take your luge heading down the mountain at 100mph....head first. Even the females in this event have more balls than I do. Also highly recommended.

Speed Skating
For those not comfortable with being on the icy hill, officials flattened the surface for competitors...but made them stand up and use skates that would rival massive ice picks. Competing for time again, athletes are given one competitor to push them, and they even have to switch lanes on alternating laps (still waiting for the first collision in this portion). A favorite of American broadcasting, many domestic heroes have been made in these events.

Short Track Speed Skating
Here's a thought - make the track smaller, angles tighter, and put more people on the course. A comparison to a WWE melee would be harsh, so I prefer to make it analagous to roller derby on ice - while the race is nice to win on pure speed, position is critical. While competitors battle for this, dust ups often occur that significantly alter final results. Recommended to our viewers.

Ice Hockey
By far the most prominent sport in Canada, which should provide the most significant storyline of the games - basically, expect death for the men's side if they don't win gold on home ice. If the US wins, expect the reaction from fans not to be that we won, but we simply took something from Canada...again. Although the event is something to look forward to, nothing says sexist like not allowing the women to check or fight....but oh well.

Figure Skating
A favorite of the female demographic, and therefore one of the most publicized and highest drawing events (they do still make up half the population you know...), this can be a individual or couples event. Not much else to say, other than I don't know the scoring system anymore since it got changed after the 2002 Winter Olympics debacle. (I watched with my mom, and we knew the judges rigged things....no shame in that!)

Curling
The equivalent of bocce ball on ice - closest stone to the center of the target wins, with each additional stone closer than an opponent earning extra points. Despite it being a slower sport in terms of pace of a match, the Canadians in these events have the second highest potential of getting some ass if they win the gold (behind hockey players....and even then, they probably get sympathy ass from dumb American chicks, but I digress....). Another recommended event.


In related news, the Russians bought out Canadian broadcasting from 8am-5pm on one major network to appeal to it's Russian demographic (who knew?) They attempted the same in the US, but Bob Costas refuted them in a Chuck Norris-like manner (he is NBC's equivalent, you know).

While the opening won't likely match Bejing last time around, enjoy the events all the same....especially the african qualifiers trying desperately to compete at a moderately equal level to other competitors (not racist, just geographically logical)


The Dodgy Keeper

Get to know your MLS Supporter Groups Edition 1

So I've noticed that some MLS supporters groups are super well know, some are pretty unknown. So in an effort to educate the world. I have gone on a mission to produce a comprehensive guide to the Supporters Groups.
Philidelphia Union
While Union has yet to play an actual game but it does have a supporters group. They've actually had a supporters group for about three years. Their main group goes by the name of "The Son's of Ben"(apparently New England is doesn't have a monopoly on Revolutionary War imagery, I expect ultras to battle while wearing tri corner hats). This is referring to the prominent Philadelphia resident Benjamin Franklin (not sure what Ben Franklin's views were on soccer but I'm not sure he would have like a sport invented in England). Now lets have a little history nerd break. New York Red Bull supporters have had a lot of fun pointing out that the son of Ben Franklin was a Tory (a colonist during the revolutionary war that stayed loyal to the British). This is true, Franklin's illegitimate son, William, did stay loyal to the British. He actually was the last Royal Governor of New Jersey. New York Red Bull Supporters are forgetting that New York was the most Tory city in the colonies. Sorry, I'll take off the History nerd hat. They commonly refer to themselves as SOB's. The Sons of Ben's claim they have a membership of 5,200. Although its pretty tough to verify this number since they haven't had a game yet. I actually doubt they have anywhere near that many members. That being said, from what I can gather about them over the "tubes", they are pretty well supported. My amauter guess would be that they now have a couple hundred die hard supporters (maybe a thousand) and that will increase once they actually play some soccer. They do certainly have some pretty committed fans. A couple dozen sons made an appearance at the MLS cup in 2007, a full 3 years before their first game. They seem to have followed in the Eagles footsteps and have developed an quick hatred of the New York Red Bulls. Their fury seems a bit misguided being that they've never played a game and New York seems to only halfheartedly see them as rivals (after DC United and New England). To me, it seems they think a supporters group isn't a supporters group unless they hate somebody. They've adopted "I'm looking over a four leaf clover" as their song. I couldn't actually figure out why, but that's cool. So here they are in all their glory. Enjoy.

Set your TIVO, you could help Italian ref's.

News outta the Italian soccer federation, this guy will eat your soul if you swear on the pitch. Just kidding! But Italian referee's can now slang out red cards for uttering certain four letter words on the pitch (maybe they aren't four letters in Italian, but you get the idea). Not only can they send them packing if they hear words my mother would hit me over the head for, they can also sit in dark room's and read the lips of the players on video (we coulda used one of those guys during the last World Cup Final)
Here's my problem (besides the fact that i've been know to yell some choice words during games), is this the problem that the Italian Soccer federation should be concentrating on? On a week when one fan group invaded their teams training ground and forced the team to hide in the locker room. Adrian Mutu (the one guy that you'd think would never fail a drug test) failed a drug test and Napoli and Udinese ultra's stage a pitched battle on a street.
So yea, what Italian soccer should be concentrating on is David Beckham plugging this blog.

Highlight of Merseyside Derby

Terrible tackles where flying around this pitch like a pee wee football game in Canada.

A Sex Scandal not involving John Terry

So while watching my DVRed Merseyside Derby I came across this gem of a news story (it is a bit old, but i feel it needs to be brought out to the world). Everybodies favorite cornrowed South African, Steven Pienaar, is being sued by his baby's momma for not marrying her. Apparently Pienaar told this lady about how he was gonna marry her, proceeds to bang her and then leaves her (gasp!!!). Pretty typical story so far, here's where it gets weird, the lady claims that Pienaar hide her birth control and ended the relationship "without cause". She claims that she is experiencing emotional stress from being an unwed mother (all you need is to take beyonce's advice to avoid that situation) and is now entitled to a chunk of Pienaar's change.

I hope this doesn't become common for several reasons. One, James Bond and Wilt Chamberlain would be screwed. Two, if any judge believes a guy would hide his girls birth control, that judge should be required to dress like a women for the rest of his career (my bad... too late). Three, if you now need "cause" to dump somebody, then women will need to prepare for "I just want to be friends" to be replaced by "You're just too ugly and can you sign this acknowledging you're a crazy female". Finally, if being a heartbreaker becomes illegal, then the dodgy keeper should start practicing this dance.

My John Terry post

So, John Terry, you've had a tough week. I'll do my best to find some things to cheer you up and distract you instead of banging your tea mates babies momma's.
- It could be worse, Here are a selection of soccer sex scandals that make your "adventures" sound tame. (unless there is a midget hooker we haven't heard about yet)
- Laughter always makes people feel better, here is a humorous joke:

It’s been announced on Sky Sports News that Capello has phoned Wayne Bridge to let him know that John Terry has lost his captain’s armband.

He has asked Bridge to check under the bed.
(I take no credit for this joke, stole it from somebody that stole it from somebody else).
-Finally, I give you a comic, because who doesn't like comics.

Greece does Freddy Adu good.

Whoever made the Freddy Adu voodoo doll apparently has retired it, because Pele's favorite disappointment showed some skills (including a pretty sick assist to his countrymen Eddie Johnson) on his debut with his new Greek club.

Oscar Meyer

It's another busy day here at Dodgy as Feck, so I'll offer the day's most talked about picture.

My bologna has a first name, it's O-D-E-N-S
My bologna has a second name, it's W-I-E-N-E...R

Can't say we're homophobes...

I love that goofy bastard...

So I've tried to not like Peyton Manning, but I just can't. He's just too lovable.
Which probably means he's currently banging a dozen different ladies and about to have a golf club (or I guess a football in his case) thrown at him while he drives into a tree.

Straightforward

The Puck is in the middle of a move and I'm swamped at work today, but I do have enough time to express one idea within these confines today...

Terry Leigh is an exceptionally good looking broadcaster.

Sock Sucker?

So I'm all for a little smack talking between former teammates (its the only reason i listen to anything Shaq says anymore). But I feel that Carlos Tevez (you wouldn't like him when he gets angry) could have come up with better then calling his former teammate Gary Neville a "sock sucking moron". Because I like Argentinians who are owned by shady businessmen, I will provide a "slam list" of alternative names to call Mr. Neville.
-Beckham's Butt Boy
-Che Asshole
-The Weakest Ankle Ligaments in England
-The man who can't grow a full Goatee
-The Birdie

Couple Idea for you Carlos, but if all else fails, just roll into a ball and launch yourself at him. You look like you have it in you.

Our first shameless advirtisement

At Dodgy as Feck, we've taken a moment to acknowledge male compatriots within the ranks of athletics who need some assistance in their We've gotten together with our friends at Hair Club for Men to bring you our first nominees for brand sponsorship.

With that, we would like to introduce *drum roll please*...Joleon Lescott and Ricardo Carvalho.

With all other dermotology products for men failing at the moment, we've decided to step up and help those that need it most. After this campaign becomes rabidly successful, I'm sure we will be looking toward more stellar candidates in the future!

CollegeFootball All-Name Honorees

Since it's the end of the college football season, we here at Dodgy as Feck have decided to compile our All-Name Team. While we moderately analyzed the players' performance this season, we were more interested in how their name's looked in the program instead. So without further adieu...


Offense

QB - Jim Bob Cooter, Tennessee (Needless to say, campus stud and this team's captain)
(Backups)
Nick Cannon, Tulane (Guess he got tired of Wild 'n Out)
Colt McCoy, Texas (Would you want anyone else to go to Texas?)
Roley Skinner, Wake Forest (Yeesh..)
Ryan Mallett, Arkansas (Oww..)
Tony Pike, Cincinatti (Just gore me while you're at it...)

RB - Donald Buckram, UTEP (Surely he can hit the hole hard)
RB - Mister Simpson, Michigan ("The fumes are making me dizzy!")
OT - Kyle Sackrider, Michigan State (I'd hate to know what his celebration is after a pancake...)
OG - Jerrod Gooch, Texas Tech (Also uses a post-pancake celebration)
C - Chief Kickingstallionsims C, Alabama State (If he does that to horses, imagine how he blocks)
OG - Nick Bigrigg, Kent State (It's obvious what he's driving around campus)
OT - King Dunlap, Auburn (You know what size bed he sleeps on)
TE - Ryan Allgood, Oklahoma (Safe hands I'm sure)
WR - De'Cody Fagg, Florida State (More durable than a bundle of sticks)
WR - Co-Eric Riley, Mississippi State (We'd send his brother out with him as twins right, but we only found one...)

Defense

DE Evander Holyfield, Auburn (Offensive linemen, watch your earholes!)
DT Tez Doolittle, Auburn (I'm sure he occupies blockers despite low stats)
DE Colin Ferrell, Kent State (Ha!)
LB Prince Kwateng, Northwestern
LB Sir Darean Adams, Michigan State (Please address our linebacking corps with respect!)
LB Mister Alexander, Florida State
LB Lucious Pusey, Eastern Illinois (We're assuming he's hetero...)
CB Justin McQueen, Texas A&M (The weaker of our corners, presumably)
CB Reggie Corner, Akron (Did you want a better lockdown man for this team?)
FS I-Perfection Harris, Georgia Tech (Also a modest player...)
SS Zaire Kitchen, Rutgers (The team's cook; loves ethnic food)

Special Teams

PK - Brit Barefoot, Southern Miss (Saves the team money on cleats)
P - Keith Toogood, Texas Tech (He's not modest at all)
(Backup/Utility)
Zach Grossnickle, Colorado (Nasty fade, actually drops dimes through the uprights)
PR/KR - Noel Divine, West Virginia (Sent in from above!)

I'm starting to find out what Bryan Boytano WOULD do...

Associates -


Because I had my girlfriend over this weekend, I ended up watching a bit of figure skating this weekend (if you've had a significant former, don't say you haven't done the latter). I realized after that whole cheating ordeal with the French judge, I don't know how the new scoring system works. That being said, appearantly former skaters who do color commentary now like Scott Hamilton have issued the warrant before the Olympics that Jeremy Abbott "issued a beat down" on the rest of the field at the 2010 US Championships. Who knew such a thing existed in figure skating.


In an interesting twist, one of the runners up that qualified for the US has been officially dubbed Johnny "Weird" by my girlfriend. This fashion affeccionato was constantly shown with custom outfits that were cut open along the chest (moderately typical in figure skating, considerably faulty within society though) in his short routine, as well as baring both shoulders down to the bust in his long routine (never acceptable). Anytime you are waving at the crowd with just your fingers when your event is complete will leave you succeptable to questioning. That being said, it would be interesting to ask this fellow if he is an athlete in a competition, or an artist simply expressing himself....



I'd like to take this time to note that I've cared more to cover men's figure skating in this blog than I have baseball.


Relating to other sports not mainstream to the US, the Australian Open is underway, and Serena Williams has finally admitted that she abused the umpire at the US Open last year (just a bit). Interestingly though, she claims that the fine of $90,000 and the negative publicity would be less if a guy had done the same thing. You decide for yourself, all I know is that Maria Sharapova is not only falling off on the international level, but she isn't even the best at what she does within her own country; she just lost to countrywoman Maria Kirilenko, and judging by her Russian counterparts she has competition in the aesthetic portion of her livelihood as well.

Have you ever been to a hockey game and not liked it? Just another reminder from us at Dodgy as Feck to support your local NHL (best penalty shots of the year), WHL, or ECHL team (best team goal of year, plus 3 nutmegs).

Because the bit of major news in US sports pertains to the college ranks, we revert back to football. Colt McCoy injured his shoulder and arm in the BCS title game, like Sam Bradford and Tony Pike before him...since when did the footbll gods think it would be fun to injure all the good quarterbacks this year? Or did a voodoo shaman just get a lot of requests for the throwing arm of star quarterbacks?

In college basketball, it continues to interest me how teams at the top interchange sports so rapidly from week to week. That being said it only happens in the men's game, and it's bound to happen statistically when there's 340 teams. Big up's to UConn's women by the way, winners of 57 in a row by an average of 30+ points, including 3 times facing the #2 team in the country (20.3 point avg. margin of defeat). A good battle between them and Penn State volleyball in opposite seasons.

In more important news elsewhere, Sky Sports News has reported they believe that Arsenal will only have a shot at the title if Cesc Fabregas stays fit. I wonder when that dawned on them...they were keen enough to point out that Matthew Taylor (and generally his Bolton teammates as well) seem not to enjoy scoring. That side needs to find some fellas that do, and fast.

Impertinantly, an Englishman recently told me that his country care more about the MLS than the Scottish Premier League - if nothing else, it made me laugh.

If Valencia played at home like they did on the road, Barca wouldn't be running away with La Liga. Likewise, if Mallorca could muster even a part of the form they exhibit at home, they would overturn the massive deficit at the top of the table.

Has the Serie A ever been worse? It's terribly slow, the movement is abhorrently inefficient, and I'm pretty sure 99% of players have the first touch of a rapist (typical Italians). I don't think I can bear to watch anymore unless they're playing a team in Europe where they are forced to play quicker under pressure.

How did Hertha Berlin go from a contender to last place (by a long way) in the Bundesliga? I wish I got to watch the league more often, for being at such a high level it's arguably got one of the most evenly distributed sets of talent of any division as well. I'll also add that although I don't have GolTV right now, I'll get it if Kaiserslautern gets promoted to the Bundesliga and Luis Robles starts in goal for them. Along the same lines, big up's to my boys Collen Warner and Frankie Lopez, picked up by Real Salt Lake and Jaguares de Chiapas respectively. Best of luck fellas.

Finally, who the hell thinks they can beat my brother at FIFA10 on XBox? Sack up and leave your gamertag under this post

V

My Ill Post

So I'm stuck in Seattle currently suffering from some kind of germ (its probably not h1n1, i just like the pic). One upside is that I get to watch a lot of soccer on TV (the downside is you don't get sleep and there's very little on tv at 4:30 in the morning). So I'll give some observations from my virus driven soccer marathon.
-Landon Donovan is a damn fine soccer player. He's either going to become an assist machine or get a ton of goals in the second half of this season.
-I've always been an Eric Wynalda fan. I personally believe he's the best American Soccer analyst that we've got. I say all of this because he just correctly pointed out that Arsenal is a couple mic's and fedora's away from being a boy band. Think about it, Cesc Fabregas as the pretty boy. Thomas Vermaelen as the sweet white boy. Theo Walcott as the bad boy from the wrong side of a leg injury and Nicklas Bendtner as the toolbag.
-I'm sick of people saying that American owners are bad for the EPL. It's not that American owners that are terrible, its idiots owners. Hicks and Gillette are both American and Idiots. They're terrible owners because they are too reliant on Liverpool getting in certain positions and having their offspring sending d-bag emails, not because they understand baseball and live in apartments, not flats. Terrible owners are not specific to certain nationalities (paging mike ashley).
-I can't help but love Marouane Fellaini. Any Belgian that takes hair inspiration from Jimi Hendrix is fine by me.
-I'm fairly happy that I had Nicholas Anelka in my fantasy team, Darren Bent did his part too (and since he was down by a half dozen goals by the time, I'm fairly certain that he scored just for me). If anyone had Sunderlands goal keeper in, send your name and address to me and I'll send you anti-depressants.
-How does Clint Dempsey get injured? I think at this point, I'm 5th in the U.S.'s forward depth chart.
-That being said, Steven Pienaar is a better soccer player then I am.

Finally, i can personally attest that there in a Law and Order on at every hour of the day.

Arizona Horse Soccer

HORSE SOCCER...the new Olympic Sport?? from Glenn Davis on Vimeo.

So I'm all for expanding the game of soccer around the world, and around the country but I don't feel the need to spread it to other species (although Ruud van Nistelrooy sort of got his hoof in the door for all the equine's). I guess chalk this up to the things people think of while suffering from heat exhaustion.